Yats\u0131dan sonra gece yar\u0131s\u0131ndan \u00f6nce idi. Biraz d\u0131\u015far\u0131da dola\u015f\u0131p kafamdaki d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceleri da\u011f\u0131tmak istiyordum. Birka\u00e7 aydan beri bu vakitlerde y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f yapmay\u0131 adet haline getirmi\u015ftim. Karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n g\u00fcnahlar\u0131, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckleri, \u00e7irkinlikleri \u00f6rtt\u00fc\u011f\u00fc gecelerde kald\u0131r\u0131mlar\u0131n esrarl\u0131 havas\u0131n\u0131 hissetmek her zaman i\u00e7in bana cazip gelmi\u015ftir. Bununla beraber gece yar\u0131s\u0131ndan sonra d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kanlar\u0131n pek makbul canl\u0131lar olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n bilincinde olmakla birlikte benim bu ak\u015fam y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015flerim gece yar\u0131s\u0131na kadar s\u00fcrer ve muz\u0131r mahluklar sokaklara d\u00f6k\u00fclmeden son bulurdu. Gece yar\u0131s\u0131ndan sonra zararl\u0131 ha\u015ferelerin, b\u00f6ceklerin, farelerin, k\u00f6peklerin, cinlerin, \u015feytanlar\u0131n, ayya\u015flar\u0131n, kumarbazlar\u0131n, fahi\u015felerin, h\u0131rs\u0131zlar\u0131n ve hastal\u0131klar\u0131n faaliyete ge\u00e7ti\u011fi saatler ba\u015flayaca\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in m\u00fctedeyyin insanlar\u0131n o saatlerde evlerine \u00e7ekildi\u011fini biliyordum.<\/p>\n
Karanl\u0131k bir soka\u011f\u0131n dar kald\u0131r\u0131mlar\u0131nda y\u00fcr\u00fcrken \u00e7al\u0131lar\u0131n aras\u0131ndan k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir \u00e7ocu\u011fun bana bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. \u00dcrperdim! Bu saatte k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir \u00e7ocu\u011fun \u00e7al\u0131lar\u0131n aras\u0131nda tek ba\u015f\u0131na ne i\u015fi olabilir? Hem \u00e7ocu\u011fun \u00fcst\u00fc \u00e7\u0131plakt\u0131 ve bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131 da \u00e7ok tuhaft\u0131. Sanki beni tan\u0131yan b\u00fcy\u00fck bir adam gibi kar\u015f\u0131mda duruyordu. Ka\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7atm\u0131\u015f masmavi g\u00f6zleri ile bana k\u0131zarak bak\u0131yordu. G\u00f6zlerimi onun bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131ndan ay\u0131ram\u0131yordum. Oradan uzakla\u015f\u0131p gitmem imkans\u0131zd\u0131. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7ocuk bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131yla beni k\u0131p\u0131rdayamaz hale getirmi\u015fti. Ona do\u011fru yakla\u015ft\u0131m. \u00c7ocuk ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 yere do\u011fru e\u011ferek y\u00fcz\u00fcndeki ifadeyi sertle\u015ftirdi. Kin ve nefret dolu bak\u0131\u015flarla alt duda\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sark\u0131t\u0131p burnunu \u00e7ekti. Bana \u201cAbi\u201d diye hitap etti\u011finde a\u011fz\u0131nda di\u015flerinin olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fcn korkun\u00e7 bir \u015fekle b\u00fcr\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Korkunun verdi\u011fi panik ile g\u00fcc\u00fcm\u00fcn yetti\u011fi kadar oradan uzakla\u015ft\u0131m. Nefesim t\u00fckenip de bir ad\u0131m daha ko\u015famayaca\u011f\u0131m zamana kadar ko\u015ftum. Sonra y\u00fcr\u00fcmeye ba\u015flad\u0131m. Gece karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda daha \u00f6nce y\u00fcr\u00fcmedi\u011fim sokaklarda titreyerek y\u00fcr\u00fcyordum. Sanki bu \u00e7ocuk kar\u015f\u0131ma tekrar \u00e7\u0131kacakm\u0131\u015f gibi bir hisse kap\u0131ld\u0131m. Bu his i\u00e7imin \u00fcrpermesine ve korkunun b\u00fct\u00fcn v\u00fccudumu kaplamas\u0131na sebeb oluyordu. Allah\u2019\u0131m bir an \u00f6nce evime gideyim diye dua ediyordum. Bir saat sonra oturdu\u011fum semte iyice yakla\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. Eve arka sokaktan gelip apartman\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131ndan i\u00e7eri girerken rahat bir nefes al\u0131p \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 yakt\u0131m. Ne olur ne olmaz diye apartman\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131ca kapatt\u0131m. Kafam\u0131 \u00e7evirip merdivenlere y\u00f6neldi\u011fimde \u00e7ocu\u011fun merdivenlerin basama\u011f\u0131na oturmu\u015f vaziyette beni bekledi\u011fini g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. \u00c7enesini iki elinin aras\u0131na dayay\u0131p bana k\u00fcsm\u00fc\u015f gibi bak\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n
\u201cNi\u00e7in benden ka\u00e7\u0131yorsun.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
Korkarak \u201cSen kimsin?\u201d diyebildim.<\/p>\n
\u201cSoka\u011fa at\u0131lm\u0131\u015f ve kaybolmu\u015f bir \u00e7ocu\u011fum.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeki ad\u0131n ne senin?\u201d diye sorup korkumu biraz hafifletmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131m.<\/p>\n
\u201cBenim ad\u0131m yok.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
\u201cNas\u0131l ad\u0131n olmaz.\u201d dedim.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ben senin karde\u015finim.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
\u201cAma benim karde\u015fim yok ki.\u201d dedim.<\/p>\n
\u201cZaten karde\u015fin olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in ad\u0131m yok.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
\u201cKonu\u015ftuklar\u0131n \u00e7ok anlams\u0131z s\u00f6zler.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAhmak daha anlamad\u0131n m\u0131? Ben senin karde\u015finim, annenin ise cinayetiyim. O kad\u0131n\u0131 bir elime ge\u00e7irirsem soraca\u011f\u0131m ona.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSen anneme ni\u00e7in k\u0131z\u0131yorsun.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc o beni soka\u011fa att\u0131. Hem de daha do\u011fmadan bir cenin iken soka\u011fa att\u0131.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYani k\u00fcrtaj m\u0131?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEvet. Anneme s\u00f6yle sak\u0131n d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kmas\u0131n yoksa ba\u015f\u0131na bir \u015feyler gelebilir.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNe yapacaks\u0131n ona?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBo\u011faz\u0131na sald\u0131r\u0131p b\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00fcc\u00fcmle s\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131m. Karn\u0131n\u0131 delik de\u015fik edece\u011fim. Bana yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn intikam\u0131n\u0131 alaca\u011f\u0131m ondan.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSak\u0131n yapma, onunla konu\u015f seni \u015fefkatle ba\u011fr\u0131na bass\u0131n.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYapaca\u011f\u0131m, yapaca\u011f\u0131m.\u201d diye d\u00f6rt defa tekrar etti.<\/p>\n
Kini ile iradesini g\u00fc\u00e7lendirmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n
Karde\u015fim oldu\u011funu kabullenmeye ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m fakat i\u00e7indeki kin ve nefret beni \u00fcrk\u00fct\u00fcyor ve temkinli hareket etmeye devam ediyordum.<\/p>\n
\u201cNi\u00e7in bu zamana kadar g\u00f6r\u00fcnmedin?\u201d dedim.<\/p>\n
\u201cSizin yerinizi ancak bulabildim.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
Fazla konu\u015fmak istemedi\u011fi her halinden belliydi. Soru sormama f\u0131rsat b\u0131rakmayarak pantolonunun kemeri ile karn\u0131 aras\u0131na saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131 b\u00fcy\u00fck\u00e7e bir ekmek b\u0131\u00e7a\u011f\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p \u00fczerime do\u011fru gelmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. Korkarak geri \u00e7ekildim. Gerileyerek giderken: \u201cDur sak\u0131n yapma.\u201d diyordum.<\/p>\n
\u201cKorkma sana bir \u015fey yapacak de\u011filim. Senin kabahatin yok. Benim derdim annem olacak o kad\u0131nla.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
\u201cBu kin ve nefreti b\u0131rak pi\u015fman olaca\u011f\u0131n \u015feyleri yapma.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBana yapt\u0131klar\u0131ndan dolay\u0131 pi\u015fman olmayan kad\u0131na kar\u015f\u0131 ben de yapt\u0131klar\u0131mdan pi\u015fman olacak de\u011filim.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
Elindeki b\u0131\u00e7a\u011f\u0131 sallayarak: \u201cHadi \u00e7abuk beni anneme g\u00f6t\u00fcr.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
\u201cTamam g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcr\u00fcm fakat b\u0131\u00e7a\u011f\u0131 bana vermen \u015fart\u0131yla.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cB\u0131\u00e7a\u011f\u0131 sana veririm ama i\u015fi bittikten sonra.\u201d<\/p>\n
Biz konu\u015furken apartman\u0131n merdivenlerinden inen birinin ayak seslerini duydum. A\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya inenin kim oldu\u011funu merak etti\u011fim i\u00e7in kafam\u0131 kald\u0131r\u0131p merdiven aral\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan yukar\u0131ya bakt\u0131m. A\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya inen ki\u015finin kom\u015fumuz oldu\u011funu g\u00f6rd\u00fcm. Karde\u015fim hemen merdivenlerden a\u015fa\u011f\u0131ya ko\u015farak bodruma inip sakland\u0131.<\/p>\n
Kom\u015fumuz \u201cMerhaba\u201d dedikten sonra birisi ile konu\u015ftu\u011fumu zannetti\u011fini s\u00f6yledi. Ben de durumu belli etmemek i\u00e7in y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ve eve \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 s\u00f6yledim.<\/p>\n
Merdivenleri s\u00fcratle t\u0131rman\u0131p evin kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 cebimden \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131\u011f\u0131m anahtarla a\u00e7t\u0131m. H\u0131zl\u0131ca eve girip kap\u0131y\u0131 kilitledim. Eve girince anneme seslendim ve ona karde\u015fimden bahsettim. \u00d6nce inanmad\u0131 bana k\u0131zar gibi oldu sonra d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncelere dald\u0131. Hareketsiz bir vaziyette derin d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceler i\u00e7inde iken ve ben de onun bu halini sessizce seyrederken birden kap\u0131 \u00e7ald\u0131. Zil sesini duyunca ikimizde ayn\u0131 anda irkildik. Annem \u0131srarla kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7mam\u0131 s\u00f6yledi. Ben de kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131m. Kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7ar a\u00e7maz karde\u015fim elindeki b\u0131\u00e7akla \u00fczerime do\u011fru gelip beni iterek i\u00e7eri dald\u0131. \u0130\u00e7erideki odaya do\u011fru ko\u015fup annemi kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda g\u00f6r\u00fcnce o da annem gibi hareketsiz bir vaziyette donup kald\u0131. Elindeki b\u0131\u00e7a\u011f\u0131 yere b\u0131rakt\u0131 ve a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131.<\/p>\n
Anne \u015fefkati ve kokusu karde\u015fimin ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00f6nd\u00fcrd\u00fc. B\u00fct\u00fcn kinini unutturdu. Sadece \u201cAnne\u201d diyebildi. Anne \u015fefkatinde her \u015feyi eriten s\u0131cakl\u0131k karde\u015fimin kalbini yumu\u015fatt\u0131. Kinini bitirip yok etti.<\/p>\n
Anne diyerek kuca\u011f\u0131na do\u011fru ko\u015fuyor ve g\u00f6zlerinden sicim gibi ya\u015flar bo\u015fan\u0131yordu. Bu manzaray\u0131 ve karde\u015fimin kendisinden hi\u00e7 beklemedi\u011fim bu tepkisini g\u00f6r\u00fcnce ben de a\u011flamaya ba\u015flad\u0131m. Annem \u015fok olmu\u015ftu. \u00dcz\u00fcnt\u00fcs\u00fcnden ve pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan ne yapaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilemiyordu. Sonra \u00fczerine do\u011fru ko\u015fup gelen karde\u015fimi kuca\u011f\u0131na al\u0131p hasretle koklad\u0131.<\/p>\n
\u201cYavrum ben ne yapt\u0131m. Nas\u0131l bir insan\u0131m ben.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
\u201cKarde\u015fim b\u00fct\u00fcn kinini unutmu\u015f, anne \u015fefkatinin s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7inde erimi\u015f, y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc annemin g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcne g\u00f6mm\u00fc\u015f vaziyette sessizce a\u011fl\u0131yordu. Bir ara ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 kald\u0131r\u0131p g\u00f6zlerine bakarak:<\/p>\n
\u201cAnne bana bir daha k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck yapma tamam m\u0131?\u201d dedi. Annem \u201cYavrum.\u201d diyerek g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131 i\u00e7inde karde\u015fime sar\u0131ld\u0131. Hayat\u0131nda ilk defa anne \u015fefkatinin s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hisseden karde\u015fim ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 annemin g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcnden kald\u0131rmayarak: \u201c\u0130yilerin neden iyi, k\u00f6t\u00fclerin ise neden k\u00f6t\u00fc oldu\u011funu anlamak i\u00e7in anne kuca\u011f\u0131n\u0131n s\u0131cakl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 tan\u0131mak laz\u0131mm\u0131\u015f.<\/p>\n
Anneler \u015fefkatli olsalar \u00e7ocuklar bu kadar \u00e7ok su\u00e7 i\u015flemezler.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
Annem g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131n\u0131 silerken: \u201cE\u011fer anneler, zalim insanlar taraf\u0131ndan kand\u0131r\u0131lmasalar b\u00f6yle bir \u015feyi asla yapmazlar. Kalbimizde \u00f6yle bir \u015fefkat var ki; \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131z i\u00e7in kendimizi bile feda etmekten \u00e7ekinmeyiz.\u201d dedi.<\/p>\n
Karde\u015fim: \u201cBeni b\u0131rakma!\u201d diyerek daha s\u0131k\u0131 sar\u0131ld\u0131.<\/p>\n
Annem karde\u015fime \u015fefkatle sar\u0131l\u0131p, y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc onun ba\u015f\u0131na dayad\u0131 ve h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131rarak a\u011flad\u0131.<\/p>\n
(2002)<\/p>\n
(Yol \u0130simli Kitaptan)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Yats\u0131dan sonra gece yar\u0131s\u0131ndan \u00f6nce idi. Biraz d\u0131\u015far\u0131da dola\u015f\u0131p kafamdaki d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceleri da\u011f\u0131tmak istiyordum. Birka\u00e7 aydan beri bu vakitlerde y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015f yapmay\u0131 adet haline getirmi\u015ftim. Karanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n g\u00fcnahlar\u0131, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fckleri, \u00e7irkinlikleri \u00f6rtt\u00fc\u011f\u00fc gecelerde kald\u0131r\u0131mlar\u0131n esrarl\u0131 havas\u0131n\u0131 hissetmek her zaman i\u00e7in bana cazip gelmi\u015ftir. Bununla beraber gece yar\u0131s\u0131ndan sonra d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kanlar\u0131n pek makbul canl\u0131lar olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n bilincinde olmakla birlikte benim bu…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":26,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5661","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-genel"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5661","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/26"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5661"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5661\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5663,"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5661\/revisions\/5663"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5661"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5661"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/suristan.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5661"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}